A place for me

So I went to a party tonight where the majority of people were either white or indian. I felt out of place. Which sucked a good bit. I mean, who likes feeling out of place? not white or indian people, I can tell you that much.

so anyway, back to me feeling out of place. Yes.. I felt out of place. I wanted to wine and get on bad but the truth is I'm just a little too self conscious about that shit to do it *just so just so*, doh mind when I'm actually doing it I'm a big sket.. but that's another story(ies). So at one point I'm standing next to this black (the b should be captial, as I've seen in texts but I'm too lazy to hit *shift*) woman, who worked for the bar and I feel comfortable. I talk to the (black) bartenders and I feel comfortable. Now, the question here is, whether it was the bartenders' skin colour/culture or their occupation that made me feel comfortable with them. I say this because the party I was at was arguably a upper-middle - high class party.

So the Dj is spinnin his shit and I'm enjoying the music, doing the relevant dances once in a while but I never really enjoyed it like I do other times, because..oh right, did I mention? none of my friends were there with me. So I just do my few dances and then mellow with my alternating beer and water. In fact I over-hydrated myself and am now feeling to throw up because I didn't want to have both hands free and I was driving so each new drink could not have contained alcohol.

Back to me feeling out of place; the ironic thing is that if I go to a 'black' place such as a barber shop, black party etc I feel out of place cus I feel like I'm being judged by the colour of my skin. I feel like they're saying 'wtf is going on with this white boy!? how he feel he could get on so like us?! he feel he black or what!? steeeups' and I don't like that feeling either. So it's a lose-lose situation really, once my friends aren't there. Especially one friend who is not only black but also very personable.

btw, did I mention I'm a weee bit tight right now? I guess the alternating with water and beer didn't work as effecitvely as I had planned. Oh well, I'm home safe and that's the important thing.

so I really don't know where I fit.. I went to a club thursday night gone and had a really great time. I was dancing and getting on etc etc and being comfortable.. cus I was around people who were not only getting on like me but also didn't create a sense of 'wtf is that white boy doing' in me. The club was mixed btw. My club/comfort friend wasn't even there, but I was liming with some other black guys who were into the same music etc as I am.

I also realised once I doh have my winin ppls I doh like hearing soca in a club.
Fuck you machel montano.

back on track.. so I guess I'll continue evaluating how I feel while in different social situations to see where I feel I fit best.


P.S. memo to self: don't do tonight again.
live and learn.