A Raw Creativity

Potential.. possibility..

I feel the potential for such creativity inside of me. I can feel it churning in me - in my torso. It feels like a hurricane.. trapped by the constraints of my abilities and CAPABILITIES.

Perhaps it's because I've been so surrounded by artists over the past two years that I feel like this, because it feels like that in nature.. it's not a musical feeling.. it's a visual feeling.

What I have inside of me does not want to be heard, it wants to be seen. It wants to lay siege to the world's eyes. It is arrogant and egotistical and self-righteous. It is vain and self-absorbed. It lives for its freedom. Its freedom from me. I feel it trapped there, tearing at my insides, yanking at the chains, yelling. screaming. cursing!

And I want so much to let it go, let it free and see what it becomes. But I don't have the tools. I don't have any raw materials nor do I think I have the capability right now to do this feeling justice. And yet... I have this feeling that given the right opportunity I can let this beast out and submit myself to it and have the outcome be very satisfying.. to me anyway, and at the end I suppose that's what really matters. The world being what it is I know someone out there will inevitably appreciate what I will do but I'm not doing this for anyone else. This feeling only exists to be free for itself; it doesn't care for anyone else's opinions.

Perhaps this is tied to my resurgence of anger-control issues. Anger issues in general. My temper has returned and worse than ever before now. I've gotten help with it and in an ironic twist, my awareness of the problem and triggers might just have made me even angrier.. except now I have knowledge of what will trip me. funny.. To tie this paragraph to the rest of this post - I think maybe this feeling I have in me is part raw, surging emotion, waiting to be converted to something tangible and released. Something like anger perhaps..

I have thought this might be something or somewhat like brooding poets and artists must have felt. So much emotion contained inside and no matter how much you do it's never enough to release it all.

maybe I should keep sharp objects away from my ears and drugs away from my nose and veins.

one day this feeling will be released and it will be beautiful, even if it's the ugliest thing in the world.